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MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNNY FARCES 

MARCH BROTHERS, Publishers, LEBANON, OHIO 

In a Doctor's Office 

P5 225 By Jeannette Joyce 

.Z9 

J885 
Copy 1 



Copyright, 1920, by March Brothers 



CHARACTERS 



Ah Attendant in Nurse's Garh. 

Mrs. Snap — A middle-aged country woman. 

Mr. Saylittle — A quiet, dignified old man. 

Mrs. Gabmore — A talkative, self-sufficient woman. ^u...^^'- ' 

Henry Gabmore — Her meek hushand. 

Mrs Swell — Who can not endure the common herd. 

Dinah — A colored nurse. 

Mrs Swell's Son — An irrepressible of six. 

]VfR. Jocose — A young man, with a joke for all occasions. 

]\^iss Gusher — A spinster in dress and years, hut not in manner. 

Scene: Waiting room of a famous specialist. Small alcove in one corner 
with desk and telephone, where attendant is busy when not answering door. 
Magazines on table which waiting patients turn nervously when they have 
nothing else to do. As curtain rises bell rings, and attendant glides slowly 
and noiselessly to door. 

Mrs. Sn.^ {waving attendant aside and striding into room) : You certainly 
take your time, young lady, 'to let a person in. Where 's the doctor ? 

Attendant {voice soft and very low) : Doctor Wayup has not yet arrived. 
His office hours are from ten-thirty to noon. "Will you kindly step here 
and fill out this card, {Exit.) 

Mrs. Snap {reading card and soliloquizing) : Name. Well, I've no objection 
to givin' my name. Age. That's nobody's business. Color of hair and 
eyes. Nonsense! If Jie ain't blind, he can see tliat when he looks at me. 
Any insanity in family? No, not till I was crazy enough to trust a fool 
doctor. 

Attendant {returning) : Here is a pen. Will you kindly fill in the blanks? 

Mrs. Snap: No, I'll not You can tell him. 

Attendant {more softly than ever) : That is impossible. You can reach 
Doctor Wayup only through the card system. 

Mrs. Snap: You don't say so. {Bell rings and Mrs. Snap seats herself. 
Attendant admits Mr. Saylittle, who wears a bandage over one side of face. 
After some time.) Pace hurt you much? 

Mr. Sayli-htle {looking up surprised) : No, madam. 



In a Doctor's Office ^ \?/.(fp 



Mrs. Snap; That's funny. Looks like it might hurt powerful' T)ad. My 
husband had some trouble with his face; wore it tied up just like your's 
for a time. {No response frmn old gentleman. After a pause.) But law, 
he's dead — ^been dead goin' on twenty years. 

Mr. Saylittle: That was before tlie day of specialists. 

Mrs. Snap : Yes, thank fortune. They 'd a killed him and took all his money, 
too. As it was, I had enough to buy a little place where I can keep a cow 
and raise chickens, and if folks 'ud pay their bill^ — {Bell rings and attendant 
opens door as he fore.) 

Mrs. Swell {accompanied hy nurse and hoy) : Do you recall that the doctor 
gave orders for me to wait in his private office? Will you see if I can be 
accommodated there? {Attendant leaves and Mrs. Swell walks haughtily to 
a window where she stands with hack to room.) 

Son {who has heen gazing at Mr. Saylittle) : Say, is it catchin' like mumps 
and chickenpox, Gramp? {Nurse and mother hoth rush at hoy.) 

^•'^ ' Dinah, I wish you would learn to attend to your charge. Take 
hall and amuse him. 

,vj/ up hands in horror) : For Laudy Sake, missus, doan you send 
v/ux in this house alone. Ise heard about these doctors what cuts you up 
and puts you together agin, and Ise plum scared to death — I is fo' sure. 

Son {tugging ait her hand) -. Aw, come on, Dinah, I want to see him do it. 

Attendant {entering and addressing Mrs. Swell) : The janitor has just opened 
the private office, you may wait there. 

Dinah {leaving) : Thank the Laud! 

Mrs. Snap : Now, what do you think of that swell ? She don't need no specialist 
to tell her what ails her — I'll do it for nothin'. She's got a vacancy up here. 
{Taps forehead. Bell rings.) 

Mrs. Gabmore {enters talking to Mr. Gahmore) -. Now, Henry, quiet yourself, 
and leave everything to me. {To attendant who presents card.) Here, let 
me have that ; I know all about it. Miss Jones, our neighbor, who -was operated 
on last summer, told me all about the minor working of these things. ( Writes 
and talks.) Henry, don't be worried. There's nothin' on here that will hurt 
anybody, and I believe in givin' the doctors all the help you can. 

Mrs. Snap {sarcastically) : Yes, they need it. {Bell rings.) 

Mr. Jocose {with an effort to he gay) : Say, is the Doc in? 

Attendant: Doctor Wayup's office hours do not begin until ten-thirty. 

Mr. Jocose {looking at watch) -. Thirty minutes in the cell adjoining, eh? 
Well, I guess I can stand it. {Sits down next to Mr. Saylittle.) Pardner, 
you look knocked out? What round was it that finished you? {Laughs loud 
at joke, as attendant hands him card which he reads.) Say, what do you 
want all these facts for, my tombstone? 

Mrs. Gabmore {smiling appreciatively) : My, young man, you've got a fortune 
in your disposition. I often tell Gabmore if he'd just cherk up and talk a 
little, it would do him more good than medicine or specialists either. 

,0' 



'wi:; 



^^^i^^i2 OCT 'I 1920 



In a Doctor's Office 



Mr. Saylittle: I take it you have never been sick, madam. {Bell rings.) 

Miss Gusher {entering) : How do you do, my dear? Is the dear doctor in? 

Attendant: I am expecting him now at any moment. Just be seated, Miss 
Gusher. 

Miss Gusher : Oh ! how lovely of you to remember my name. 

Mr. Jocose {aside to others) : That's dead easy — Gush — Gusher. 

Miss Gusher : You know, my dear, there was no earthly reason for my stopping 
this morning, but I just could not refrain from telling the dear doctor once 
again how wonderful he is. I think I '11 wait right here until he comes. 

Mrs. Snap; Yes, I guess you will. That's what I've been doin' for more 'en 
two hours, and I've got a good reason. 

Mrs. Gabmore {to Miss Gusher) : So it is true that Doctor Wayup can do won- 
derful things? 

Miss Gusher: "Wonderful, why my dear woman he performs rair^"^ 
my case — 

Mrs. SnxVp {snippily) : What was your case? 

Miss Gusher : Hallucination, the queerest affliction. I would imagine «x. 
of absurd things — that I was growing old, don't you know. That 

terribly stupid. That people avoided me. That I -was really homely — a . 

you know. Someone advised me to see Doctor Wayup, and he has brougnu 
me out of all that. Just look at me now. I know myself, as I am. 

Mrs. Gabmore : Wonderful! Henry, take courage. 

Mrs. Snap : I think he made you worse. 

Mr. Jocose: Some miracle man — {Telephone nngs.) 

Attendant {speaking into it) : Yes. — You will not! Be gone for a month — 
All right — Good-bye. {Addressing the waiting crowd.) Doctor Wayup tele- 
phones that he is leaving unexpectedly for a month's rest at the seasihore. 

Miss Gusher : Poor dear ! I feared a breakdown for him ! Such trying work 
and long hours! How I shall miss him! {Exit.) 

Mr. Jocose {taking Mr. Satylit{\e hy arm) : Come on. pardner. I've got a 
month's stay of execution, {kxeunt.) 

Mrs. Gabmore {leaving and, talking) -. Well, Henry, cheer up. What I've 
heard has surely encouraged me. {Exeunt.) 

Attendant {to Mrs. Snap, who stands the picture of disgust) : Perhaps, since 
the doctor is leaving, I might venture to tell him of your case if — 

Mrs Snap {with vigor) : My case is this. I've been supplyin' the doctor's 
family with the best of fresh eggs and butter for six weeks. His wife ain't 
never got no money and I decided I'd try him, but the president himself 
'ud be a lot easier to get to. I don't want to be killed by a specialist nor 
cured a' somethin' I ain't got. I want my egg and butter money, and I want 
it quick. 

{Ciirtain) 



017 400 011 6 • 



MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNNY FARCES 

Five for 25 cents. Not Less than Five Sold. 
AI'NT JANE VISITS SCHOOL, By Jeannetfe Joyce. Any numhcr of males and females. After fifty 

year.^ Aunt Jane spends a morning in a modern .sch.x)!. Her ol.servations keep the audience i" a roar. 
AUNT JERISHA AND LNCLE JOSH. By Kffie Louise Koogle. 1 male, 2 females. These eccentric 

folk visit the school, producing no end of fun. 
AUNT LUCINDV STAVS. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Two darky characters make 

"BEAT IT!" By'^WiUis N. Bugliee. 3 males, 1 female. A scolding wife makes trouble for everybody, 
BETT¥''^ANd"bETSY. B^y°Wi?lis T' Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Betsy was advertised for sale, but 
THE ^BIJOTOWN BAND. By Archibald Humboldt. 4 males, 1 female. More fun than you can Imagine, 

and a little music which anyt>ody can make. . „ , . , x- i, » 

THE BUZZVILLE NEWS. By Effie Louise Koogle. 2 males, 1 female. A breezy conversation between 

DOT^ ENTERTAIn"**.^^ By Elizabeth F. Guptill. 1 male, 1 female. Dot entertains her big sister's beau, 

and the things slie tells him are a plenty. A bic success. . ^ , ,..,, , , , , v. 

THE GOOSE FEATHEKBED. By Willis N. Bw;bee. 4 males, 1 female. A dandy little play for Irish 

Hnd eccentric characters. Easy and amnsinc. , ,.,.,, , ,, 

Jtt*^K JVIAKES WASTE. By Harriette Wilbur. 3 males. The young drug clerk hurriedly grabs the 
•- iijid learns that haste makes waste. „ , , » . , « .u • ,• 4. . 

OFFICE. By Jeanuette Joyce. 4 males, females. A take-off on the specialist of 
a r-uiiber of the follies of humanity are exposed In a laughable manner. 
'^~'' By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males, 4 females. Comic dialog interspersed with 
, *.irtiniiOi,o funny story. „,.,,„ , , • •* 

l"iLZEKIAH. By Louise Rand Bascom. 3 males, 1 female. Hayseed parents visit 
,.r -c-pleudid opportunitv for clever acting. Bright and amusing. 
^,'^'xic OR THE I'ROFESSOR. By I,ouise Rand Bascom. 2 males, 2 females. The lunatic 
iiistaken for the brain specialist, which is hard on the lunatic. Great. 

; TIME OIT Bv Carolvn F. Rice. 7 females. An amusing comedy dealing with the servant 
Q^ 'em. ' The characters are strongly contrasted. Easy, but eClcctive. ,^^ v, , ,. a 1 ^t- 

pOleDDLEKS ADMITTED. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 1 female. The busy man Intended not 
to buv, but the pediller had a suave manner. . , , , « i, , ,,, 

"OH YOU TEACHER! By C. A. Donaldson. 8 males, 4 females. A splendid comedy of school life, 
showing the amateur teacher's trials. Funny and well suited for school.s , ■* k • >,f „^ ♦oiiir,., 

ONE ON THE AGENT. By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. A clever skit, bright and telling 

THE'^^rHYsicAL^'TORTURE Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Physical culture 

exercises lor which Ma is too stout and I'a is too rheumatic. Killinyly funny t- „ , , , „ 

A PROPOSAL IN GRANDJL\'S DAY, By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 2 females. Full of fun for 

KASTUS* BLINK''s"'^MlNSTRELS. By Effie Louise Koogle. For any number. His "Kinky Koons" are 

killiiic The iolliest minstrel show ever. A deluge of drollery. ,, ., 

"SCAT!'' By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. Cunning attempt of an old maid to prove her 

SEEING -THE ANniALS. By Clara J. Denton. 1 male, 2 females. A swell hotel clerk, a suffragette, 

THE SOIJASnvrLllE "fire-brigade!' By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 2 females, and other firemen, 

if flp.<ii-(d A brisk iml sna[>i>\' little dialog Easy and clever. 
T»rF STI11>II> witness' liv Archibal'l Humlioldt. 3 males. The lawyer and witness lock horns and 

have an awful time but its fun for the audience. Swift and keen. , „ , , ^,„ ., 

THE TRAIN i EAVES IN TEN MINUTES. By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 2 females. Will they 

THe'^TrXiN^'tO lv',';,I^ROw!"'"By"jeanS"Toycef %" ma'es:''2 females. Confusion in a railw.y 

THE'TkrVELING^HOTOGRA^>HER.''^ White. 3 males, 2 females. He unexpectedly 

visits a farmer's familv. All work is stopped and they pose for the lueture. - 

AN UP-TO-dVtE PROPOSAL. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males 2 fem.ales A roarmg farce that will 

keep the .lu.iienee i,u"e^^^^ every minute. lOffective when used witi "A Proposal in Grandma's D*y," 

WANTED: T"lICENSE^ TO WED. By Eliznbeth F. Guptill. 2 males, 1 female. Humorous situation 
resulting ' from u misunderstanding. Irish dialecL 

No entertainments sent on approval or exchangred. 

MARCH BROTHERS, Publishers, 208-210-212 Wright Ave, Lebanon, O. 





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